Monday 18 June 2012

The Invisible Vampire.

I'm going out, for the first time in about three weeks.  No great expedition or adventure, but there are some things that can't be done by e-mail and eBay.

With my CFS (we can vary a lot one from another, and even one's own isn't inclined to be decently consistent) I can put together about half a day's normal activity: driving shopping, meetings, but at the cost of about three days being like a puppet with cut strings.  Borrowing energy from the future ration at an horrific rate of interest.

The odd thing is that it's not exactly time-limited (at least currently: see first parenthesis).  I can hold myself together as long as I have to.  Then, exactly as the front door of my cottage lets me in, this invisible vampire steps out and sucks every last bit of energy from me.   Payment time starts.
Being this free with energy beyond the duly budget is costly and therefore turns into a very calculated excess.
Do I have enough real solid need to justify behaving extravagantly?

Workarounds, easy ways, and defining activities as simply unnecessary are all preferred  substitutes.  As a consequence of my Asperger's I'm not well-equipped with a large network of contacts I can call on, and as it happens my family are scattered around the globe.
Despite some help, largely from neighbours, very much it's "if I don't do it, it doesn't get done."  
On the other hand I don't have children, spouse, social life... to make continuing demands (often only normal life's expectations) that are near-impossible to meet from within the depleted resources left by the CFS.
Running on empty.  Fuel warning light on.
The vampire awaits, on my chosen path for today.

I try not to pick that path too often.  It's my neck.

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