Friday 13 July 2012

The Sounds of Silence meet Fagin

One of the things my occupational therapist left with me was a CD explaining relaxation exercises, to help getting more rest and stress reduction.

I've never been good at things in this area.  Getting my brain to stop and be quiet  is incredibly difficult.  I rely on thinking so much to cover for some of the areas where other people can operate more on instinct or reflex, and in social settings by picking up cues and clues I'm almost blind to.  After so many years locked to "on", anything near "off" is hard to achieve.
Years ago a clinical psychologist tried to get me to learn to juggle, just to try and set aside my forebrain processing, which is too slow for juggling.
Yes it is.  And I can't juggle.  I think about it too much.
I lost that one.

But given I accept the need to get the best rest, spend the least energy...   The attempt must be made, and again with that oxymoronic "trying but not by effort" which CFS seems regularly to demand.
This is fighting without fighting back.

So, lie down relax and follow the CD's orders.  OK, gentle leading.

Ah.  We start with silence.  Hiccup.
I've had tinnitus for 25 years.  I've coped with it.
But when the ME developed, the tinnitus changed in nature.  It's no longer a single high-pitched note.  Now it comes with added clicks and whistles.  And about three times the volume.

It's a tricky one, when it comes to getting rest.
No silence any more.   
BBC Radio 4 or the BBC World Service in the small hours does as well as anything I have tried, but it doesn't really serve as background for attempted mental relaxation.   And for white noise to work it has to be so loud it's intrusive in its own right.

Compared to the alien world I have become reasonably familiar with by observing, and by thinking hard, I'm finding this is a markedly alien territory.  Mental relaxation for me would be letting my mind into "cruise" or "play" mode, not an "off" one, or anything near it.  
And it can get into some very strange states and places if left to its own devices.

Nothing much to do, it appears, but echo Fagin:
"I think I'd better think it out again."

Anyone good at tangled knots?
In a foreign language?

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